Well, it's been weeks since I took 150 mg of Clomid for 5 days straight. Weeks of scary mood swings, crying jags, anxiety, bad dreams, and fearfearfearfearfear. But I finally feel like I'm coming out of it. I am, if not excited to be taking this month off from TTC, still looking forward to getting myself back.
I read back over my archives for the last several months and holy crap on a cracker people! I can't believe I have any readers left after the unrelenting self-pity-party I've been throwing over here. The weeks upon weeks of depression and anger and depression and frustration and depression. I think I'm finally coming out of it though, I look back over this week and I'm beginning to recognize myself, my sense of humor. I've been gone for a long time. Not only from here, but from my family and my home and my friends and my life. Between the TTC and the fucked-up hormones and a too-strong empathic/psychic connection to the person in this post, I have been feeling lost. And now I am found. So where are my bagpipes?
The worst part of this whole thing is that I have felt unable to think coherently about anything. And by anything, what I really mean is what I want to do in my quest for a second child. In the good tarot reading I got after the crappy reading, the reader said I needed to examine my committment to adding a second child to our family. She said that often times we'll feel that we're very committed to something, but in reality we're committed in only a very narrow way. And I realized that I was committed to bringing a second child into our lives in just such a very narrow way. Kristin has been mentioning that she would be willing to get pregnant again if I can't. And I've been so opposed to that. I won't even discuss it. Not just because of the health problems that plagued her while pregnant. Not just because of that.
But because I am a selfish bitch. It was hard for me to watch her be pregnant, not only because it was hard for me to watch her exhausted and scared and hurting. But also because I wanted to be the one who was pregnant. We decided that she should get pregnant first because she was the one with health insurance, and neither of us could stomach the thought of planning to go on public assistance to have a child. And I wanted us to have a baby. And I wanted her to be pregnant, too. But once she was these jealousies rose up within me. I hated myself for the way I felt. When there were problems a vicious little part of me would say silently, "if I were the one who was pregnant we wouldn't be dealing with this." When we were TTC and it was taking a while that same little demon would say, "If you were trying to get pregnant you'd be pregnant by now." And then a part of me would die -- poisoned by my own nastiness and soul rot. And I've been wondering if my infertility is due to this. If it's cosmic retribution for being such a bad person. When I think of Kristin getting pregnant again, I shudder. Not because I don't want a second child, and not because I don't want her to get pregnant if that's what she wants, but because I don't want to be that mean, petty, horrible person again.
Recognizing that I am not committed fully to bringing a second child into this family has cleared the way for me to become fully committed. Or to become more fully committed.
The boundaries of that "more fully committed" are still hazy. And I'm looking forward to a month with no external hormonal influences in order to clarify those boundaries. I mean, how far am I willing to go with my own body? Am I willing to mortgage our home for an IVF cycle or two? And if we do IVF will I be ok if it turns out we need to use Kristin's eggs because my own are bad? How long am I willing to shoot myself up if injectibles are recommended? And what will it take for me to be able to let go of the dream of being pregnant? Do I still think that pregnancy and birth would be the defining moment of my life, or is it just an old vision of myself that I haven't let go of yet?
For some of these questions I've got time. Kristin says that she wouldn't want to start to try to get pregnant for at least a year. She'd like to be done with school before birthing a child from her body. For some of these questions I'd like to have answers before my appointment with the RE on Oct 20th. Like the IVF question. If I really am not willing to spend so much money on a pregnancy, I need to have that figured out so we can plan accordingly.
But don't worry, I'll try to not weigh this blog down with too many of these dark soul-searchings. No need to drive EVERYONE insane!