Head Clearing

Well, it's been weeks since I took 150 mg of Clomid for 5 days straight. Weeks of scary mood swings, crying jags, anxiety, bad dreams, and fearfearfearfearfear. But I finally feel like I'm coming out of it. I am, if not excited to be taking this month off from TTC, still looking forward to getting myself back.

I read back over my archives for the last several months and holy crap on a cracker people! I can't believe I have any readers left after the unrelenting self-pity-party I've been throwing over here. The weeks upon weeks of depression and anger and depression and frustration and depression. I think I'm finally coming out of it though, I look back over this week and I'm beginning to recognize myself, my sense of humor. I've been gone for a long time. Not only from here, but from my family and my home and my friends and my life. Between the TTC and the fucked-up hormones and a too-strong empathic/psychic connection to the person in this post, I have been feeling lost. And now I am found. So where are my bagpipes?

The worst part of this whole thing is that I have felt unable to think coherently about anything. And by anything, what I really mean is what I want to do in my quest for a second child. In the good tarot reading I got after the crappy reading, the reader said I needed to examine my committment to adding a second child to our family. She said that often times we'll feel that we're very committed to something, but in reality we're committed in only a very narrow way. And I realized that I was committed to bringing a second child into our lives in just such a very narrow way. Kristin has been mentioning that she would be willing to get pregnant again if I can't. And I've been so opposed to that. I won't even discuss it. Not just because of the health problems that plagued her while pregnant. Not just because of that.

But because I am a selfish bitch. It was hard for me to watch her be pregnant, not only because it was hard for me to watch her exhausted and scared and hurting. But also because I wanted to be the one who was pregnant. We decided that she should get pregnant first because she was the one with health insurance, and neither of us could stomach the thought of planning to go on public assistance to have a child. And I wanted us to have a baby. And I wanted her to be pregnant, too. But once she was these jealousies rose up within me. I hated myself for the way I felt. When there were problems a vicious little part of me would say silently, "if I were the one who was pregnant we wouldn't be dealing with this." When we were TTC and it was taking a while that same little demon would say, "If you were trying to get pregnant you'd be pregnant by now." And then a part of me would die -- poisoned by my own nastiness and soul rot. And I've been wondering if my infertility is due to this. If it's cosmic retribution for being such a bad person. When I think of Kristin getting pregnant again, I shudder. Not because I don't want a second child, and not because I don't want her to get pregnant if that's what she wants, but because I don't want to be that mean, petty, horrible person again.

Recognizing that I am not committed fully to bringing a second child into this family has cleared the way for me to become fully committed. Or to become more fully committed.

The boundaries of that "more fully committed" are still hazy. And I'm looking forward to a month with no external hormonal influences in order to clarify those boundaries. I mean, how far am I willing to go with my own body? Am I willing to mortgage our home for an IVF cycle or two? And if we do IVF will I be ok if it turns out we need to use Kristin's eggs because my own are bad? How long am I willing to shoot myself up if injectibles are recommended? And what will it take for me to be able to let go of the dream of being pregnant? Do I still think that pregnancy and birth would be the defining moment of my life, or is it just an old vision of myself that I haven't let go of yet?

For some of these questions I've got time. Kristin says that she wouldn't want to start to try to get pregnant for at least a year. She'd like to be done with school before birthing a child from her body. For some of these questions I'd like to have answers before my appointment with the RE on Oct 20th. Like the IVF question. If I really am not willing to spend so much money on a pregnancy, I need to have that figured out so we can plan accordingly.

But don't worry, I'll try to not weigh this blog down with too many of these dark soul-searchings. No need to drive EVERYONE insane!

Posted by Trista @ 12:13 PM

Read or Post a Comment

Trista, I know that you guys will decide whatever is best for your family. I just have to say this, though. Fertility is not a karmic gift because you did something right, anymore than infertility is a punishment for something you did wrong. Trust me on that one!!!!!!!!! (Do I need to add more exclamation points there?) If you don't believe me, talk to Wendy about it. She knows how I feel on the matter, and can put in her own two cents' worth, and probably a darn sight more, as well! And vent all you need to. I come because I choose to.

Posted by Blogger Faith @ 1:14 PM #

We love you whether you're sad or happy, dear.

Posted by Blogger Lauri @ 2:11 PM #

What Faith said.

I'm really impressed with how you've emerged from all this so in touch with yourself. And I'm glad the crazies are easing up. I hope the RE will bring some answers and a good, strong plan.

Have you ever considered trying acupuncture? It's not a cure-all but I've heard so many stories of it helping cycles and ovulation. I also realize that in suggesting this that it costs money and requires willingness to be stuck with needles.

Posted by Blogger Sacha @ 8:40 PM #

are you kidding? I DEMAND all the dark soul-searchings you've got. You articulate this battle so effing well and so many times your posts make me dive into myself for my own soul-searching.
I love you for it and thank you for it.

Posted by Blogger Calliope @ 7:59 AM #

Just wanted to echo what Faith said -- no fault, no blame, no guilt. And I'm still sprinkling rice in your direction.

Posted by Blogger zilla @ 10:13 AM #


Vent away. I enjoy reading this, because I've BTDT.

I'm so with Faith. Fertility is not a karmic gift because you did something right, anymore than infertility is a punishment for something you did wrong. If infertility was a punishment, would all the good people I know be infertile, and all my meth and crack whore clients be fertile? NO. Why would it seem that meth heads get pregnant with ease, and non-meth heads have so many problems. (Side note I believe meth has a increasing fertility factor, as meth heads seem to have tons of boy/girl twins, but this is my anecdotal experience, and not based on any fact. I would not advise that you try doing a line of meth to see if you can get pregnant.)Babies are not a reward, and infertility is not a punishment. It happens because the sperm gets into an egg, implants, gestates, etc.

I went through a stage when I felt that the problems with Syd were a punishment, even though I don't believe that is how the world works. I believe it is a natural way we try to handle the situation. See the thing is, a punishment usually has an end, or something you can do to rectify the situation. You can serve the time, pay your fine, do penance, etc until the punishment is met. Punishment is also based on something you did. This line of thinking gave me something to blame.... and something I could actually do about it. With Syd, all I could do was lay on my side. I felt so impotent. When I thought I was being punished, well I could read, pray, repent, beg. I felt I could do something. Then I realized that this was not a punishment. There were reasons that are beyond my understanding that caused this to happen.

My problems happened because while I was in utero, something happened which cause my uterus to be malformed. I could not get pregnant because my hormones were so screwy, I could not ovulate. I did what I could about those things. I had surgery to fix my uterus, and lost weight to help with the hormones. When I did get pregnant, because of the malformations in my uterus, the placenta did not implant the best, and hence Syd had IUGR. I believe that the only reason she survived is because of the many prayer said in her and my behalf.

You did nothing to cause your infertility. It just happens sometimes, to the best of people.

Please keep writing about this. I could point you to several postings on my blog dealing with this, and heck, whole blogs dealing with this issue.

Posted by Blogger WendyLou @ 10:59 AM #
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