What does it say about our parenting and housecleaning skills that...

  1. Towards the top of the Top Ten Words Julia is Most Likely To Say In a Given Moment is the word "dirty"
  2. One of her most clearly articulated phrases is "Oh Shit." And yet we still swear like donkey-fucking sailors around here.
  3. We didn't get around to baby-proofing the kitchen cabinets until AFTER Julia had discovered the singular joy of stacking up and knocking over the canisters upon canisters upon containers upon bottles (all of which are partially open, or ripped open, or lids lost or whatever) of dangerous, skin-dissolving, blind-making, dipilatory-like toxic chemicals we keep under the sink cabinet in the hopes that one day we'll be inspired to clean. And even then we waited until my dad came over because after all, if she wasn't dead, blind, maimed, scarred yet what were the chances?
  4. When I discovered her playing in the dog bowls, again (we just can't seem to train the dogs not to need to eat or drink), I firmly told her "No" like I'd been trained to do in such circumstances. She looked at me and uttered something that sounded very similar to, "But Mother, I am conducting an experiment to determine exactly how many kernels of dog food it takes to soak up the precisely 1.2 liters of water contained in the water dish. I have a theory that the absorbancy of the dog food is affected by whether or not I have sucked on it first." And I went ahead and let her continue because it sounded like a good enough reason to me.
  5. I've given up mopping and sweeping every day because it's easier just to lint roll the baby when she needs it than keep the floors clean to begin with.
  6. Our first response when someone informs us that Julia is eating something she picked up off the ground/floor/restaurant high chair is to say, "eh, it's good for her immune system."
  7. The baby that we intended only to eat organic, whole-grain, no-processed-sugar, transfat-free, cooked using only solar and geo-thermal energy foods has become so familiar with costco churros that she begins squealing in delight when we pass the Costco food court, knowing that if she acts cute enough I'll break down and buy her one.
  8. My 13 month old laughs at off-color jokes. The incriminating thing isn't that she laughs, she laughs at everything, but it's the fact that we are still telling (and enjoying) off-color jokes in her vicinity.
  9. When she poops in the bathtub we don't bother scouring the tub and sterilizing the bath toys. We just rinse it and them off. Because, you know, shit happens.
  10. The dogs have occassionally gotten a hold of and eaten dirty diapers, and the only thing that bothers me about this is that they don't manage to ingest all the pieces and so there's always something left over for me to clean up.

Posted by Trista @ 10:40 AM

Read or Post a Comment

Still chuckling, yet somehow resisting the temptation to tell Julia my favorite off-color joke -- the one about the penis and the bowling ball, of course.

Posted by Blogger zilla @ 12:06 PM #

I love your parenting and housekeeping skills. They're so much like the way I imagine I'll be, dogs and all.

Posted by Anonymous Pronoia @ 2:09 PM #

OMG - I can SO relate.

Fabulous. and FUCKING hysterical, too!

Posted by Blogger Shelli @ 2:10 PM #

Oh my, I LOVE Costco churros. Everyone needs a little process in the life every once in a while.

Posted by Blogger Sacha @ 2:29 PM #

holy shit (happens) that was FUNNY. So when will the How To Parenting book be out b/c I dig your style!

&Zilla- what IS the joke??

Posted by Blogger Calliope @ 3:59 PM #

We have the SAME EXACT household, just replace the dogs with cats.

LM has started to say "fuuuuuuuuck" quietly under his breath, just like mommy. And we think it's funny.

The poor kid.

Posted by Blogger charlotte @ 5:20 PM #

LOL!!That was so funny!!

I so know we are going to be the same!!

Posted by Blogger Sarah and BB @ 1:26 AM #

Very similar situations over at our house.

Alexander likes to take the cushions off the couch and eat whatever he finds in there. I've given up trying to stop him and now I just call them "sofa snacks"

Posted by Blogger Jennifer @ 8:28 AM #

Sounds perfectly healthy to me--mentally and otherwise. I can totally relate, or at least I think I will be able to in the near future. Oh, and the lint roller? Tied with Febreeze for "Best All Around Cleaning Tool."

Posted by Blogger hd @ 8:33 AM #

i am so totally with pronoia. you give me hope for my parenting. ;)

Posted by Blogger betsyl @ 2:52 PM #

Sounds like my house, minus the pet stuff.

Also, we've been lucky enough that Noah hasn't yet shit in the tub. I pretend not to notice him pee in it. But I think I probably will use soap on the toys when he finally does shit there.

Posted by Anonymous Liza @ 8:09 AM #

Hell, peed on is considered "clean" around here.

We went to visit my mom after a two month gap and the baby found a cheerio in her couch, so now I don't feel like I need to apologize to *anyone* for the couch snacking.

Posted by Anonymous Rosa @ 10:25 AM #
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