12.06.2006
Getting Back on Track
Yesterday I received an email from Lauri. In it she told me that she really liked my "weird" post yesterday. Mostly she liked it because I talked about her and her special abilities, and she's just that vain. But she also liked it because she said that I sounded like myself again. No sadness. No stress. No worry.
And I thought about it. She's right. I haven't talked about her in a long time. Some of my newer readers might not even know who she is. So, for their edification, I would like to direct you all to my long ago, long forgotten, and never completed FAQ project in which I answer the burning question: just who is this Lauri chick and why should I care? I would also like to point out that I would be linking to her blog in this post, except that she never posts on her blog. She tells me that she writes lots of posts, but then just saves them as drafts and never publishes them. I think that's a little weird. And maybe I should have tagged her yesterday, so I'm tagging her right now. Lauri, I think everyone would like to read 6 weird things about you.
She's also right about something else: I haven't been myself for a very long time. I feel like I've been lost and drowning, but I think I'm finding my way back, and I'm coughing the liquid from my lungs and clearing my throat. And I'm remembering all the things that I meant to blog about and then didn't. And so I have composed the following list of Things I Meant to Blog:
1) The pooplicious fondue party
2) The completion of phase 3 of Making Julia a Lesbian
3) Semi good news about my job
4) A story about some friends of ours and some ill-fated German Chocolate cupcakes
5) Mormon Housewife Politics and the Disappointing Aftermath
6) The worst movies in the history of the entire movie industry
Please email or leave comments about which of these stories you'd like to hear first.
Actually, because it's short, I'll give you The Completion of Phase 3 of Making Julia a Lesbian first.
I've talked about my magnificent rack before. Too many times to link, actually. The consequence of this is that I manage to have cleavage even when wearing turtlenecks. I swear it's true. Turns out this is a good thing for Julia's sake. Now that it's winter, it's drafty in our house and we keep Julia bundled up in layers for warmth. But her little hands are always cold especially since she won't wear mittens. No matter, she's found an ingenious way of keeping them warm. Nowadays whenever I pick her up, if she feels her hands could use a warm-up, she shoves them down my cleavage. Not only is it unpleasant to have little blocks of hand-shaped ice invade one's warm bosom, but it's a bit disconcerting when she does this in front of guests (in the case of cold hands at home) and strangers (in the case of cold hands abroad), especially since she's not a nursing baby and I was never a nursing mama. But it's all in a day's work and both Kristin and I can feel good that Phase 3 of Making Julia a Lesbian (Learning How to Cop a Feel) has been completed so successfully.
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Malka and Julia must have shared some secrets when they met; because I SWEAR Malka does the exact same thing... And she (much to my embarassment), will pull my shirt down and plant a kiss(I think it's her version of a raspberry) JUST above my cleavage. And I NEVER nursed.
Weird child. Sweet, but weird. And Malka will NOT wear gloves, or hats, thank you very much. Which TOTALLY sucks. So if you come up with any ideas? Send them along. Those cute little gloves from the Children's place? With the string? She ripped that string off in about a second! The clips? She chews on them, like a deer caught in a bear trap...
(and um, YES, your rack was impressive.)
And in order of reading preference:
1) Mormon housewives
2) fondue
3) new job
4) movies
5) Cupcakes
1) new job
2) fondue
3) Mormon housewives
4) Cupcakes
5) movies
Is Julia for sure a lesbian now, or will there be more phases to look forward to?
Noah's feeling up both grandmas these days, smiling hopefully, and saying, "Mulk, mulk." Then we have to admit to him how old and dried up we are. Other grandma then goes directly to mass and cries in her holy water. I just drink. But, there's always hope, right? Any day now, Noah will look at Grandpa and say, "I'm sorry, gramps, but those pants are so ass negative."
sigh...
Oh yes, the hand trick. Chilly, no? I guarantee you that game is more fun for Julia than me. I have almost zero cleavage. Personally, I would rather hear about fondue and pretty much anything else BEFORE I hear about the disappointing Mormon housewives. But many of them disappoint me and it goes without saying that I'm a disappointment to many of them too. That HAS made me pretty thick-skinned though. So bring it on.
All of them! I want all the stories now!!
-Laur(I don't know why it doesn't just show up anymore as me? I guess even blogger is watching and knows I haven't published on my account since July . . .)
Hey, what's with that guys weird-ass comment about creating a "gay utopia" on that old entry? What a weirdo! Did you write back to him?
Hmmmmm cleavage - there's nothing like it for icy appendages.
Mermaidgrrrl: If you read through the rest of the December 1995 entries you will see the rest of that whole "discussion". Some of my best work, I believe.
Melessa: Don't worry, it's not a story slamming Mormon Housewives in general, it's more about me and my family... but the particular dynamics are so uniquely "Utah mormon" that I need the modifier and, in fact, the women involved claim the title Mormon Housewife very proudly... so I'm hoping that you're not offended by the story and that you don't actually need that thick skin to read it...
oops, I meant 2005 NOT 1995. Holy crap on a cracker, in 1995 I couldn't pull my own head out of my ass to write a blog if you'd paid me to do so.
Way to go! You totally get huge recruitment toasters for leading Julia down the path of the way.
Oh Zilla, Zilla...
I wish it were that easy. Making a great lesbian is complicated and complex, involving many stages and many phases and it's difficult to say precisely how long it will take. Some girls are complete Lesbians by the time they're able to say, "I want flannel!" others have a far more time-intensive process and can take decades to ripen into fully realized lesbians. And, unfortunately, only Julia can tell us when the project Making Julia a Lesbian is concluded.
But Kristin and I are in for the long haul, and you can be certain we'll do whatever it takes (whether it be teaching Julia how to know her own mind, or whether it be showing her how to change her own flat tire) to make certain that Julia develops as she should...
HAHA warming her hands on your boobs. Gotta love that kid.
want to hear about...the worst movies.
Lauri is right- you ARE sounding good. I'm so glad for that.
xo
Ohmigod, Trista, I have been writing the SAME EXACT POST in my head. Glad you're leading the way back. I'm trying to follow you.
As for stories, I generally like and laugh at poop stories. But I like fondue and I don't want my mental images of fondue to be forever ruined, so I am torn. Actually, I now realize that having typed fondue and poop in the same paragraph and having read the words "pooplicious fondue" several times has probably already done it... so bring it on!