Last night, at dinner (on which I will write more a bit lower) I was complaining to Kristin about how no one had commented on my lovely 10 point list (this was before I had seen Shelli's and Blue Ox's comments) and that that meant that no one loves me anymore (and yes, I AM that insecure right now) and she looked at me and said: Why should anyone comment? It's obvious that you're feeling sorry for yourself; what is there for anyone to say? Which is, of course, completely true. I am feeling sorry for myself, indeed. And I have been feeling sorry for myself for a very, very long time. And by now there is not much anyone can say about that. But still. So, I thought I'd write about something else. I thought I'd tell you about Kristin's day yesterday. (She told me that I could... so this isn't as mean as it seems at this moment... or is it? You read and then decide.)
It's crunch time for Kristin right now. Papers papers papers and a couple presentations just for shits and giggles (he he he... this phrase will get funnier in just a moment). And, you know, her full-time job and her part-time practicum. And catch up from the illness. And and and... Yesterday she had a paper due so she got up at 5 am to finish it. Finishing the paper made her run a bit late to get to class, so she was in a hurry. She ran to open the gate, opened it, got in her car and backed up... right into the gate that wasn't completely open. It made a terrible noise, but she was in a hurry, so she didn't stop. When she got to school she decided to just take a look at the damage and discovered that there was a piece of our gate sticking out of a HOLE IN HER CAR. Her entire taillight assembly is destroyed, there's a big hole in the side of her car, and her trunk won't close. Oh yeah, and her registration is due in December. And this is the year that she has to have an inspection. Do you know how expensive an entire taillight assembly is? We'll probably have to get one from a junkyard. And the hole... and the big crease in the metal... and the trunk... not to mention that the piece of gate sticking out of her car was the latch to hold the gate closed... and it's completely destroyed. We now have a bungee cord holding our gate together.
So, she's in the parking lot trying to get her trunk to close, and one of her classmates sees her slamming and slamming and slamming the trunk and says something like "hey, take it easy! It's not that bad!" and then he (who, in Kristin's words is "gayer than Ed Smart"* but who has yet to come out of the closet) came over and looked at the damage and took it back. He also offered to replace the taillight assembly for us if we can get one. Which is nice since we'd rather not rely on the Brother Just Younger Than I for mechanical help right now.
*this phrase is now my favoritest phrase EVAH. Gayer than Ed Smart. Hilarious!
Aaaaaaany way. So, Kristin goes to class, trying to forget about her troubles. Then, sometime between classes she suddenly has to go to the bathroom. Really really has to go to the bathroom. It's a two stall bathroom and the other stall is occupied. So. (I can't believe I'm writing this. I can't believe she told me that I could.) Kristin goes into the stall and proceeds to be very, um, loud. Explosive might not be too strong a word. And, um, odiferous. Yes. Explosively odiferous. The woman is still in the next stall. Kristin exits the stall and begins washing her hands. And the other woman walks out and it's... Kristin's favorite professor! The professor that she has class with in just a matter of moments. The professor that's been the most sympathetic about our month-long bout with illness. The professor that Kristin's hoping to take a class from next semester, if she can get an add code because the class is full. That professor. And that professor looks at her and says:
"So. The antibiotics still messing with your digestive system?"
And Kristin really wanted to reply, "Wasn't it obvious?" but instead went with a weak "yeah" and an embarrassed smile.
And then after class the professor offered Kristin an add code but Kristin was too embarrassed to take it. She'll go and get it later.
So. That was Kristin's day. Better than maudlin self-pity?
Well, you don't get off that easy. I've still got some self-pity inside me. Here's the part that I really can't believe I'm blogging.
I called Dr. Nerdly's nurse yesterday. Nurse Perky. Nurse Perky confirmed for me that I did, indeed, ovulate on either day 10 or 11 as Dr. Nerdly had predicted. She also told me that Dr. Nerdly wants me to have another beta today if I still haven't started my period. Guess what? I still haven't started my period. He also wants a serum progesterone. See if we can figure out what part of my cycle I'm on if I'm not pregnant (I'm not pregnant). I'm not pregant, but I guess he thinks that there's a chance I could be pregnant.
Last night, on the way home from work I felt slightly nauseated. And I nearly fell asleep on the 10 minute train-ride home. Which is ridiculous because with a beta of less than one on Monday night, even if it doubled in the less than 24 hours would still be less than 2 and a non-pregnant woman is capable of producing an hCG of 2. An hCG of 2 should not be producing pregnancy symptoms (unless the woman is extremely sensitive to hCH... like all the women in my family are extremely sensitive to hCH...STOP IT!) So then, I get Julia and I get home and I am DRAGGING. And there's a coupon sheet for Arby's in the mail. And suddenly I WANT ARBY'S for dinner. BAD. I call Kristin. She doesn't want Arby's, but she suggests Cafe Med. I agree to Cafe Med, and when she gets home we go there for dinner. Cafe Med is full of lovely vegetarian options, and if I haven't mentioned it elsewhere I'll just mention it here: I don't eat meat at restaurants. I don't eat meat unless I can look at it closely. I am 95% vegetarian. And not because of ethics, it's because I just think meat is yucky. But I started gazing at the menu I have memorized and suddenly I'm wanting gyro meat! Gyro meat of all things! Meat that has been chopped and reformed. And I seriously doubt that they removed all the ickies from the meat before all the chopping and reforming. And all I can think of is how good the meat (and of the meat on the menu) sounds. I order vegetarian lasagne AND a skewer of chicken kebobs. Kristin looks at me and says, "If you're ordering meat then you HAVE to be pregnant."
But here's what I think. I think that it's all a mind fuck. I think that I want to be pregnant SO BADLY that my subconscious is playing tricks on me. My subconscious is thinking:
ok, pregnant women have food cravings. pregnant women often crave meat. kristin craved meat when she was pregant, r craved meat when she was pregnant. if you were pregnant you might crave meat. if you crave meat then that might mean you're pregnant, therefore if you're craving meat right now then then that will make you pregnant. MUST HAVE MEAT!
That's all. And that's why my breasts started hurting last night. And that's why I dreamt all night that I was pregnant. You know, I think that my whole body wants to be pregnant so badly that even the corpus luteum doesn't want to give up the ghost, but just keeps holding on, waiting for that (dead, dead, dead, it has to be dead, it's been 22 dpo) egg to start growing (that's my theory, that I have a corpus luteum cyst, that's it, that's got to be it. Why else would my period be 8 days late but no hCG in my bloodstream?)
So there. Beta at 5 pm. Exactly 48 hours after the last one. I guess we'll see.