10.17.2005

clawing for companionship

Yesterday Kristin and Julia and I attended our very first Gay and Lesbian Parents of Utah activity. Julia was adorable as a jack 'o lantern. I wore a green shirt and went as a vine, but I don't think anyone got my costume. Oh well. That's not important. What's important is that Kristin and I met some wonderful Gay and Lesbian parents and their kids. And even MORE important than that, Kristin and I met another lesbian couple with an AI infant. Ok, so he's about 16 months. But they're starting AI again this month so hopefully will have another little one within the next year.

Anyway, you should have seen the non-bio mom (I'll call her S) in that couple and I claw at each other in our joy finally to know in person another non-psycho non-bio mom. We just talked and talked and talked. Nothing unsuitable for mixed company, but I'm afraid that we weren't very sociable with the other guests after beginning our conversation. Kristin and the other bio mom seemed to hit it off as well. Still, who cares about them, right? Cause it's all about me me me. And I finally found an in-person friend! I gave her our phone number and stressed how excited I was for her to call (I had nothing to write her numbers down with) and then Kristin and I left, and I thought, "Gee, that was really nice to meet them. They probably think I am a total freak and will never call us and will, moreover, completely ignore us at the next event, and they might even spread around that I am more than a little clingy and then other people will start avoiding us as well..." But about 15 minutes after we got home, S called! In fact, she had already lost our number and had called back to the event to see if anyone there had it and luckily someone had and so she decided to call just to make sure that it was the right number. So I guess she liked us (for us read: me me me!)

No disrespect meant to bio-moms everywhere: I love you all and am so thrilled for you and your partners (and I'm very flattered that you're reading my little blog). But it is so necessary for non-bio moms to talk and support each other. There are stresses and fears and worries that I'm pretty sure only non-bio moms feel (just as there are stresses and fears and worries that only bio moms feel) that our partners can't fully experience or understand. They can sympathize but they can't know. Further, there is so little support out there for the lesbian parner of a pregnant woman that we can feel very lost and overwhelmed and unsure of our roles and responsibilities. Finally, there are many times when we do not want to burden our partners with all these issues. I know that during our very difficult pregnancy, I tried to be as emotionally present as I could for Kristin: we discussed a lot of very difficult things. But there were times when I had things I needed to get off my chest that it would have been very inappropriate to burden her with. Maybe others aren't like that, maybe others can share every little trouble. But I happen to believe that there are some things best left unsaid between a couple. Like when you have given and given and given to your partner and still she needs more and there is a very small part of you that wants to say something mean, that wants to withdraw, even when the larger portion of you knows that you're being irrational and hormonal, that this behavior from her is unusual, will not last forever, and that she truly needs this extra support and effort right now. That very small part can have a very big mouth. And that huge mouth can do a great deal of damage to a vulnerable partner if there's no one else for that mouth to speak to.

So what I'm trying to say here is this: If you're a non-bio mom or mom-to-be, email me. Let's talk. I don't have answers, but I want very much for connection and I will listen to you extensively and without judgment.

Just as long as you listen to me back. Cause, remember, it's all about me me me!

Posted by Trista @ 11:53 AM

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Trista, i still have your email address and i will write you soon, for sure! You know, the other day we were discussing (really, just an average, every day kind of talk) some things about our situation, how we will address questions, etc., and i started crying!! Crying--about my role as a non-biological mother and where that places me in the grand scheme of things. T looked at me like i was a little crazy, and i couldn't quite nail down a way to tell her what i was feeling/thinking/etc at that moment. i got the feeling that there would be a lot of that to come. So i completely understand your excitement. i wish i had someone to talk to as well...

Posted by Blogger Amanda @ 1:05 PM #
 

I'm in the odd position of being the non-bio mom but also the carrier... Hmm...

But mostly I think the concerns you are talking about are the same ones that Partner talks about.

It's a great issue to talk about-- and if Partner were an emailing kind of gal, I'd get her in on the loop too. (I'll ask her anyway.)

Posted by Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) @ 1:34 PM #
 

Amanda:

It's totally not the same as having someone in person, but I'm hoping the email communication (heck, even exchanging phone numbers if it comes to that) will help all of us. Because I think the more people talking the better everyone feels and the more solutions found (plus I really don't want to drive away my one new friend).

Wannabemom:
I was actually thinking of your recent post about having all sorts of hard emotions about IVF and not wanting to place them on your partner when I was writing this post. And I think that you and your partner are doing something amazing that transcends a lot of the boundaries that I outline in mypost and I just want you to know that you can email me too if you just need someone to let off steam to (and you don't want to blog about it or whatever.)

Actually, I'm not placing requirements on anyone. Everyone can email me. Anyone can email me. I love email! And I vow that even if we can't have a 50/50 email relationship, I will work hard to make certain that it doesn't drop below 25% you 75% me. (cause it's all about me me me, remember ;) )

Posted by Blogger Trista @ 1:47 PM #
 

Well you know you can email me!! And, well, I have the privilege of living in the most anti gay parent state ever. Woo hoo! I swear I would not have moved to FL if I knew this... I guess I should have watched more TV or soemthing. Surely someone would have told me. Like, Rosie O'Donnell or something. Don't know why she couldn't have just sent me a fax about it.
I know no non bio moms in person, and probably never will, because you know me. I'm a recluse. I don't want friends. Friends scare me. However I am the ONLY non bio mom on that listserve you joined... on any of those list serves. And I always was welcomed.
Hopefully one day... we'll at least be able to be legal moms. I'll settle for legal.

Posted by Blogger Estelle @ 7:41 AM #
 
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