Yesterday Kristin and Julia and I attended our very first Gay and Lesbian Parents of Utah activity. Julia was adorable as a jack 'o lantern. I wore a green shirt and went as a vine, but I don't think anyone got my costume. Oh well. That's not important. What's important is that Kristin and I met some wonderful Gay and Lesbian parents and their kids. And even MORE important than that, Kristin and I met another lesbian couple with an AI infant. Ok, so he's about 16 months. But they're starting AI again this month so hopefully will have another little one within the next year.
Anyway, you should have seen the non-bio mom (I'll call her S) in that couple and I claw at each other in our joy finally to know in person another non-psycho non-bio mom. We just talked and talked and talked. Nothing unsuitable for mixed company, but I'm afraid that we weren't very sociable with the other guests after beginning our conversation. Kristin and the other bio mom seemed to hit it off as well. Still, who cares about them, right? Cause it's all about me me me. And I finally found an in-person friend! I gave her our phone number and stressed how excited I was for her to call (I had nothing to write her numbers down with) and then Kristin and I left, and I thought, "Gee, that was really nice to meet them. They probably think I am a total freak and will never call us and will, moreover, completely ignore us at the next event, and they might even spread around that I am more than a little clingy and then other people will start avoiding us as well..." But about 15 minutes after we got home, S called! In fact, she had already lost our number and had called back to the event to see if anyone there had it and luckily someone had and so she decided to call just to make sure that it was the right number. So I guess she liked us (for us read: me me me!)
No disrespect meant to bio-moms everywhere: I love you all and am so thrilled for you and your partners (and I'm very flattered that you're reading my little blog). But it is so necessary for non-bio moms to talk and support each other. There are stresses and fears and worries that I'm pretty sure only non-bio moms feel (just as there are stresses and fears and worries that only bio moms feel) that our partners can't fully experience or understand. They can sympathize but they can't know. Further, there is so little support out there for the lesbian parner of a pregnant woman that we can feel very lost and overwhelmed and unsure of our roles and responsibilities. Finally, there are many times when we do not want to burden our partners with all these issues. I know that during our very difficult pregnancy, I tried to be as emotionally present as I could for Kristin: we discussed a lot of very difficult things. But there were times when I had things I needed to get off my chest that it would have been very inappropriate to burden her with. Maybe others aren't like that, maybe others can share every little trouble. But I happen to believe that there are some things best left unsaid between a couple. Like when you have given and given and given to your partner and still she needs more and there is a very small part of you that wants to say something mean, that wants to withdraw, even when the larger portion of you knows that you're being irrational and hormonal, that this behavior from her is unusual, will not last forever, and that she truly needs this extra support and effort right now. That very small part can have a very big mouth. And that huge mouth can do a great deal of damage to a vulnerable partner if there's no one else for that mouth to speak to.
So what I'm trying to say here is this: If you're a non-bio mom or mom-to-be, email me. Let's talk. I don't have answers, but I want very much for connection and I will listen to you extensively and without judgment.
Just as long as you listen to me back. Cause, remember, it's all about me me me!