9.14.2006
Just How Mean Is It Anyway To Have A Dog's Voicebox Removed?
How to put Julia asleep when she's teething:
- When she starts screaming at inanimate objects, you know it's time to begin.
- Hopefully she's already eaten dinner, if not, expect a lot of food to end up on the floor.
- After letting the dogs in to clean up the mess on the floor, place her in the kitchen sink.
- Turn on sprayer and spray her down.
- Carry wet toddler into nursery and dry off, put overnight diaper on, trip over dog who has come into the nursery hoping the toddler will have more food to throw, find some sort of clothing-like item to dress her in.
- Locate infant tylenol among the rumpled sheets on the master bed (where you dropped it from sleepy fingers last night after shoving a dose down a screaming toddler's gullet) and squirt appropriate dose into screaming toddler's gullet.
- Make a bottle. Not that she'll drink it. To drink it would be to admit defeat.
- Turn out all lights in the house. Any crack of light anywhere, no matter how dim, will let her think that you don't really mean business.
- Turn on cd of ocean waves to trick her into thinking that we've abandoned her on a beach.
- Sit down in rocking chair and commence rocking. Do your best to hold on to the wildly struggling child.
- After wildly struggling child has smacked bottle to the floor twice, realize that said wildly struggling child really doesn't want the bottle at this point.
- Continue rocking.
- Continue shifting your grip so she doesn't manage to slip out of your arms and escape.
- Continue rocking.
- Realize that the crying she's engaging in now is an admission that she really would like her bottle now.
- Stick bottle in toddler's ear because it's pitch black in the room and she's so twisted in your arms you can't figure out where her mouth is.
- Do not be fooled into thinking that suddenly quiet and still means "finally asleep". Continue rocking.
- Stop rocking and test the waters. If teething toddler starts screaming, resume rocking quickly.
- If no screaming has started, slowly stand up from the rocking chair. Approach the crib with the stealth of a Ninja Warrior.
- S.L.O.W.L.Y. place the sleeping child in the crib. Leave at least on hand on the child. Hold Breath and pray.
- Remove hand and quietly lift side of crib to locked position. Put hand back on the child's back.
- Wait another minute or 20.
- Cautiously lift hand up.
- If crying commences, pick child up, go back to step 12 and work your way through. If silence ensues proceed to step 25.
- Somehow make your way out of the nursery without moving a muscle or making a sound, or creating a breeze.
- Close the door on the nursery, keeping the handle turned so there isn't a click from the door latching.
- Lean against the door and sigh.
- Jump 20 feet in the air when oldest dog starts a holy din of BAYING (the kind of baying that's meant to bring hunters from MILES away) in the dining room at a leaf invading the yard.
- Start sobbing when teething and cranky toddler starts screaming in the nursery.
- Go back to step 10 and repeat ad nauseum throughout the night.
Read or Post a Comment
Replace "barking dog" with "LOUDLY meowing cat" and "bottle" with "boob", and that is my life too.
Honey, I feel for you.
What you just described there is the reason why we don't have a dog yet. Though even neighbor dogs produce the same effect.
"Wait another minute or twenty," when a minutes seems an hour. Hang in there. All of you, including the dogs.
That is exactly what it was like at my house from 1:15-2:15 am this morning, except substitute boob for bottle and "breathing" for the sounds the dogs made.
Today is going to be overcaffinated, I just know it.