B is for (not a pretty picture)

Yesterday was CD3. Yesterday I had blood drawn. Yesterday I found out that my estradiol (e2) level is 85.2 and my FSH levels are 10.3.

No. These are not good numbers. Yesterday I spend hours googling, googling, googling. Those numbers are too high. Those numbers are too damn high. Those numbers are too damn fucking high. Women with those numbers are urged to consider donor eggs because even if you do manage to ovulate the chances that your eggs are no good are so damn fucking high. Low Ovarian Reserve. There ain't enuff eggs in my baskit.

True, those numbers could be worse. The FSH could be higher. Maybe I need to hear that right now. Maybe hearing that would just make me scream. Maybe hearing that would keep my eyes from watering. Damn allergies. I don't know. Maybe I just need to lose 100 lbs and cut out all soy. Maybe I need to just chill the fuck out already.

My doctor's appointment isn't until Thursday AM. And I don't really feel like I can completely fall apart until I hear it from him. After all, couldn't Dr. Google be wrong? Maybe there's something still to try? Falling apart now seems a bit... premature? hysterical? overreactive? I'm just numb today. Just numb yesterday. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to plan. I'm just hoping that the doctor has some sort of game plan, or a different diagnosis entirely, something for me to focus on other than that old fashioned, and wickedly sharp word


Maybe it's not real. Maybe I'm not there yet. Maybe there's some mitigating circumstances. I don't know where my high progesterone levels of just a week ago figure... maybe I'm wrong. The doctor hasn't said it yet. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not true. The doctor hasn't said it yet. Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe I'm just scaring myself. Happy Halloween. Trick or Treat.


Posted by Trista @ 8:33 AM

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Sweet Tristala. I want you to breath. I want you to stop googling. STOP IT! Now. Ok. I want you to keep breathing until you make it to Thursday. And I want you to try focusing on something else, ok? I don't know... Maybe start a novel.

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous @ 9:01 AM #

Trista, I know it's useless to tell you not to worry because you will. Just know that you're not alone. If it does turn out that you are barren, and you want to talk, you know how to find me. We did go the IVF/ICSI route with my own eggs, and got 3 whole eggs, one of whom died before the embryo transfer. The other two died sometime between the transfer and two to five days later. No kids, no adoption, and since I'm straight and married, no fertile partner who can carry a child. You have so many options, and you have the most beautiful daughter in the world, and whatever you end up deciding to do will be the right decision for you.

I know it's not much comfort but, as I said, if you need to talk, I'm here.

Posted by Blogger Faith @ 9:04 AM #



And hugs, mostly hugs.

I know you don't want hugs. My heart goes out to you.

Posted by Blogger zilla @ 10:02 AM #

Sorry. So, so sorry.

I think I agree with anonymous. Step away from Dr Google. Dr Google is bad at giving context and options and other information that IS IMPORTANT.

Hopefully, your real-life Dr is better at providing those things, so the numbers aren't just scary isolated data points that you can associate with other scary isolated data points provided by Dr Google.

And of course, Dr Google will be there when you go back, armed with more information, more context, and more possibilities. Dr Google is all forgiving, not at all offended that you stepped away for a little while.

Posted by Anonymous Liza @ 11:04 AM #

Sending out hugs to you right now. Don't have any insight for you but I hope your doc will paint a more optimistic picture.

Posted by Blogger K. @ 12:00 PM #

Balls. But still, yeah, nay on Dr. Google. Wait for thursday, and today, at least, focus on eating lots of candy and watching your daughter enjoy Halloween.


Posted by Blogger J @ 1:26 PM #

Dr. Google is a fraud. There are always possibilities. Take a deep breath. xo.

Posted by Blogger hd @ 4:28 PM #

I agree with others about Dr. Google. Stay away from him/her until Thursday, if you can.

Big hugs though. I know it'll be hard to wait until then.

Posted by Blogger Co @ 4:28 PM #

Motherfucker. That cursing there isn't because I know anything about this at all. It's just because this is something you don't need to deal with. It sucks to be dealing with it. I personally wouldn't be able to step away from Dr. Google but I will recommend it anyway. I am sorry you have to wait until Thursday. That just sucks balls.

Posted by Anonymous bri @ 5:25 PM #

1) As I was told by my ob....and as others have told you, step away from Dr. Google. He/she has known to be wrong.
2) I have nothing to say about the other, but that I am very sorry you are going through this stress. Infertility is so very hard to emotionally wrap your mind around. I wish you were not dealing with this.

Hopefully the RE will have more indepth information for you on Thursday.


Posted by Blogger WendyLou @ 6:31 PM #

Hi Trista. I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and hope that Thursday's appointment brings some hope. I think Dr. Google is useful for helping you make a list of questions about the test results, but beyond that it can just feed your fears. I don't blame you for being so scared when you want this so much. Take care.

Posted by Blogger lagiulia @ 6:47 AM #

this is MAJOR suck ass news in that it is NO news. It is just numbers. Numbers that make no effing sense. I hope that thursday is full of answers and solutions and affirmations and support.
thinking about you & counting down.

Posted by Blogger Calliope @ 8:17 AM #

you have no idea how much i understand what you're feeling....
hugs and love,

Posted by Anonymous Rae @ 5:10 PM #
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