An Accident of Hope

8.10.2005

Horoscopes and Horror Story

Ok, still no baby yet. As of right now, everything is in a holding pattern. Except for one thing.

My job. Or ex-job, as it turns out.

Yes, I received an offer of employment with the Securities and Exchange Council as a Secretary. Yes, it’s more money than I have ever made with health insurance to boot. Yes, the people there are nice. They would have to be, as well as have strange senses of humor, in order to hire me. Particularly after my stunning interview.

Still, my last job was amazing. I worked for 5 years at a little non-profit. I think the website’s still up (though out of date) if you want to check it out. The hours were flexible, the pay was decent, and the mission was a life-goal of mine. Frankly, the goddess sent me this job. Unfortunately, it was supported exclusively by grants, and when those grants ended, so did the job. I’m still volunteering, the office is in my basement, because we still have a few (small) outstanding projects. And we wrote a large grant in January that everyone thought had an excellent chance of being funded. The project was a bilingual (Spanish/English) look at the impact of religion on society and the different ways that impact manifests itself regarding race/cultural relations in this country. It was to consist of bilingual reading and discussion programs to be run (free of charge) in libraries all across the country. I found out today that the grant has been denied. This pretty much means the end of that little non-profit. And solidifies the fact that I will, indeed, be working for the Feds come September.

It’s a step backward on my career ladder (from Administrative Assistant/Project Coordinator to Secretary), and a gigantic leap away from what I feel should be my life path. Up until now I’ve been lucky enough to work only at jobs I felt very passionately about except the winter I worked in the Harry & David factory. That winter was one of the hardest of my life, not because of the grueling physical labor, but because of what taking that job meant to me. I was lucky to have that job, I knew that, it kept me off the streets and away from starvation, and yet… So here I am again, forced to take a job because of the money.

My therapist tells me that I need to change my definition of “following my bliss” from an outward manifestation in terms of job, to an inward manifestation in terms of state of mind. She reminds me that my bliss is at home, with my wife, my (soon to arrive) child, my writing. That taking the kind of jobs that I want (meaning the kind of jobs that consume me whole) would serve to divert my resources away from the things that are more immediately important. I am trying very hard to hold to that. I am also telling myself that I will not become comfortable and complacent at this job and so will remain open to new possibilities that may arrive -- ie grad school or (unlikely but a wonderful thought) a teaching position. Kristin called to remind me of my Rob Brezsny horoscope for this week. The relevant sentences of which are:

the week ahead will be overflowing with paradox… a risky opportunity that will feel like an ordeal even as it brings out the best in you. To thrive in the midst of these rich anomalies, you should suspend any prejudices you might have against puzzling evidence.

This I will try to do.

PS – If horoscopes are accurate (and I do think that they are), according to Kristin’s horoscope, we are going to be giving birth to some amazing child.