That's what I feel like: emotionally and physically.
Thank you everyone for your well wishes. It was so nice to log on tonight and see all that. Especially since I feel unlovable right now.
Kristin is extremely sick, too. She's got a horrible cough and it's hard to tell if it's from her sinuses draining or pneumonia, too. Though how she got pneumonia when she was given clear back on Thursday the same antibiotics that they just gave me is a mystery. Tonight, of course, I feel like it is all my fault. If I had gone to the damn doctor back when she told me to...
And we're watching Julia like a hawk. Her cough has gotten worse, too. God help me if she comes down with pneumonia. I don't know how I could bear that.
Shit, now I'm crying. And the crying makes me cough.
The prednisone gives me terrible insommnia. The last time I was on prednisone was when I had mono. I am probably the only person on the whole planet who COULDN'T sleep when I had mono. I'd just stare at the ceiling too weak to do anything, unable to sleep from the drugs in my veins, the drugs necessary to keep me breathing. Breathing begins to feel a bit overrated at 3 AM when all your body wants to do is quit and your brain doesn't see anything wrong with that.
Kristin's already behind in her school work and her work work. First she was sick. Then she got better but she took three days off to go to New York with me. Then we all got back and got sick again. And then this weekend was a three day weekend and she was supposed to get time to catch up and I got sicker and she had to take up the slack... and now she's so very sick again, herself. To say that I feel like the very worst sort of support and partner right now is an understatement. I was well enough tonight after getting some rest this afternoon to take Julia downstairs to play so she could get some rest. But it's not enough. It doesn't feel enough to me. I wish I could write her papers for her. I wish I could snap my fingers and make half her case-load disappear. But I can't. All I can do is sit here and hack and shake and cry and infect. I can't even sleep it all away.
I'm so glad my parents came and got Julia yesterday. But she wasn't happy to be with them. She was confused and upset. She could tell that something was wrong. When they finally brought her back today she just laughed and laughed and clung to Kristin and gave kisses upon kisses. And there was part of us that wished my parents could keep her another night, but we missed her and it's apparent that she missed us, too. But she's just so damn active and hard to keep up with even when I'm on my game. I just got her to sleep and I loved cuddling her as she drifted off. But I was so glad that she was asleep. Because now I can cry and take a bath and take a breathing treatment that will make my heart race and my hands shake and I don't want her to see me like that.
I'm going to hit publish now before I hit delete.