8.15.2006

My blog is boring -- and here's why

Hey, y'all. I've been boring for quite a while now. I know it. And I've been wondering why I just have no spark. No flair. No funny stories.
No nothing.

It could be that I'm very depressed. No, not all the time depressed. But I have been having these mood swings... well, calling them swings makes them sound funner than they are. More like mood slides. I'll be sitting there and suddenly I'll feel my mood slide into the ground. I slump. I lose all energy and will to do anything. I want just to lie on the ground and sleep and sleep and sleep. While at the same time I want someone else (elves, perhaps?) to come in and fix everything -- clean the yard for Julia's birthday party, make and jar the salsa, tile the step that needs tiling, get rid of the ants in the dogfood (my god, LINES OF ANTS invading our house!), clean out the guestroom, clear off the air-hockey table (where we put everything from the old kitchen and still haven't found new homes for), move the couch from the sun room down to the tv room in the basement, CLEAN the sun room for god's sake, water the indoor plants, organize the garage, paint the banister, seal the garage roof, paint the exterior of the house, lay sod in the back yard, write a fiction bestseller, send off my poems and prose to publishers, start a freelancing career, and somehow squeeze another $500 out of our monthly budget to start paying off our credit cards quicker. Oh yeah, and create and send in my applications for grad school. Can't forget that. Anybody know where I can get me some elves? What about a herd of small, pliable and nimble children? Oh, that reminds me. I dreamt last night that a gigantic, hairless, african elephant was wading toward me through the ocean (dodging the gigantic Great White Sharks that were trying to eat me) and came right up to me and started trying to stomp on me! I can still see the gigantic, flat, gray foot coming down toward me, and then I dodge at the last second, and then a wave from the displaced ocean water swamps me and takes my breath away and then I get my breath back just in time to dodge another squashing -- and meanwhile the sharks are still circling lunging at me with their mouths open so wide I can see daylight through their poop holes..., but wait, I was talking about trying to find myself some elves, wasn't I?

Elves don't exist. I guess I better get to work. I've got a lot of shit to do. And I'll get to it, I swear! Right after this nap...

One thing I can do is cut down on my blogging.

Did you know that I am maintaining FOUR blogs? This habit, it just SUCKS YOU IN! First it was all "I'll only do this blogging thing a couple of times a week. No big deal. I can stop anytime I want to." then you start blogging every day. And soon, one blog just isn't enough for you. You have to start more, and more, and more! So here I am at 4 blogs. This one. The Speckled Frog (wherein I expound upon the wonder that is Julia), The Scheherazade Project. And... my secret blog.

Yes. I have a secret blog. Some of you know, and some of you don't. On that blog I talk all about my attempts to conceive a child. A sibling for Julia. I was trying to keep it on the down low because I'm a contract worker and my contract ends in November. I worry that if they know that I'm pregnant or trying to get pregnant they'll refuse to renew my contract. And I wouldn't have a leg to stand on legally because they don't HAVE to renew my contract. They don't even have to give me a reason why not. Hence the secrecy.

But I'm just not cut out for this kind of secrecy. It's KILLING MY SOUL. And I think it's killing this blog to have a prohibition against writing about something that's consuming so much of my hopes and energies. I find myself sitting here full of things to say but too afraid to say it. So I have to think of something else to write, and most of the time what I've come up with to talk about has been less compelling than it could be... Anyway, Kristin pointed out that if my HR people googled me and discovered this blog (not hard to do at all) they would be more likely to not renew my contract based on the time stamps of these posts rather than the news that I was pregnant or trying to become so. Hence the unveiling.

So, to catch you all up to speed (those of you not in on the secret), we inseminated the first time back in April. That was a month ahead of schedule, but the timing felt so perfect we just had to do it. I spent 2 weeks absolutely convinced that I was pregnant mostly because I was so damn tired. And when I found out that I wasn't pregnant I was upset, but mostly because I then didn't have a good reason to be so tired. I had a doctor's appointment at the beginning of May to discuss our options. At the doctor's appointment I was told that my charts show that I'm not ovulating, and I was given a prescription for Clomid. Then followed 1 cancelled cycle because of bad timing around our vacation, and 1 cancelled cycle because the clomid didn't work. Then a lot of bleeding, a stint on provera that didn't really help me stop bleeding, an increase in my clomid dose, and then another insemination. And yet again I didn't ovulate. So, here I am now. I took clomid again and this month I have a mid-cycle ultrasound (tomorrow!) to see what's going on in there. We're hoping to inseminate twice this week. If you want all the gritty details and whining click here and read through the entries. There really aren't that many of them considering that I've been writing there for 5 months.

Phew! That's a load off my chest. And now that means I'll only have three blogs. And if I could only find someone who wanted to help with the S Project I could cut that down to 2.5 blogs... not that that'll help any of the other things get done, but it might perk things up around here.

Posted by Trista @ 9:30 AM

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dude. you really do need some Elves around there.
I got tired just reading your to-do list.

I'm concerned about the depression stuff- but I am going to guess that clomid is heightening that. I really think that clomid should not be given to mood sliders - but there aren't many other options. So I'll just hope that you get off the stuff soon, you get knocked up soon- & then you just have to deal with those pg hormones- I hear those are TONS of fun.

oh! & happy unveiling!!
xoxo

Posted by Blogger Calliope @ 12:41 PM #
 

I can't believe you have another blog, and you didn't tell me about it!!

Posted by Blogger Merr @ 1:21 PM #
 

Merr! you know everything that's on that blog because I tell you IN PERSON!

You're right though, I should have told you about the secret blog...

Posted by Blogger Trista @ 1:30 PM #
 

Darn. Now I don't feel super special anymore.
Glad you finally came out about it. And yeah, I agree with Kristin. I think the fact that you spend 5 hours out of every 8 blogging would probably be more reason to can you than being pregnant.

Posted by Blogger Estelle @ 6:59 AM #
 

There was a point in my life when I was keeping 4 different paper journals: a "regular" journal, a dream journal, a journal about my martial-arts practice and related stuff, and a poetry notebook. I found myself feeling really fragmented and just really "off" after a while, and when I combined everything except for the poetry notebook into one journal, suddenly I felt much better. I wonder if your fragmented blogging-life is contributing to your feeling less than spiffalicious? Not that you don't have many other potential reasons for it, etc.

Anyhow, I'm cheering for you. Rah rah rah! Sis boom bah! Um... that's all the cheering I know, but you get the drift.

Posted by Blogger Anne @ 6:49 PM #
 

Wow, how exciting! We are trying again too and my blog is suffering because I'm not saying anything about it there either. Of course, that is because my mother and two sisters have both found it... guess my 'down low' isn't very, er, low.

Best of luck with this cycle!

Posted by Anonymous Anne @ 8:16 PM #
 
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