I've written before about some of my body issues. I'm overweight and I struggle with self esteem. I don't struggle with self esteem because I'm overweight. Perhaps I'm overweight because I struggle with self esteem? Probably. That and genetics.
Now, I love Queen Latifah. Loooooooooove her. Oooh, the things I think about her... I'd say they'd make her blush if she knew. But not her. No, not QL. She's got too much sass and moxie. I think she'd just laugh and...
Anway. I have spent a great deal of time looking hard at QL's body. I think it's luscious. So beautiful. And a couple weeks ago I was telling Kristin this when we were watching one of her movies. And Kristin looked at me and said, "you know, you're loving her body, but you're skinnier than she is." Well, I really doubt that. But then I know that my body image is nowhere near based in reality. I could be 110 lbs, soaking wet with my clothes on, and I would be convinced that I was overweight and ugly. So, I'm choosing to believe what Kristin says. QL, sexy lady that she is, is heavier than I. So, sexiness isn't weight, but attitude.
Well, duh. I knew that. I know that. But still, I can't make a change... until, maybe, now.
This past weekend I got a bit intoxicated. And, while under the influence, I had a thought. See, I've been trying to grow my hair out. I used to be able to sit on my hair, and I thought that it would be nice to have long hair again. Except that long hair is HOT. Not hott. Hot. And it's been over 100 degrees here every day forever. And it takes a lot of work to make it look nice. My preferred method of doing my hair is washing it and forgetting about it. Not easy to do with long hair unless you want to put it in pony tails or braids every day. I long for one of those short messy sexy cuts. But I haven't let myself get one. Because I worry...
I worry about looking like a pin head. Like a tiny little head on top of a gigantic body. I worry that people will watch me walk by and think, "I guess she's pretty, but my god does she have a tiny little head and a gigantic body." I think, in my twisty little brain, that if I have longer hair it will make my head look bigger, and thus my body will look smaller in comparison. The bigger my head, the skinnier I'll look. Feel free to laugh now. I know, it's ridiculous. But I haven't been able to let that thought go.
So, I stay away from cuts that would fit my lifestyle, my personality, and that I have been told would look fantastic on me because I want people to think I'm skinnier than I am. And here's the kicker: it's not like I'm fooling anybody now anyway.
I realized that I have been working under the delusion that it's better to be an ugly skinny woman than a drop-dead gorgeous fat woman. And I also realized how ridiculous that mental trap is. Sexy is attitude, and my attitude has been shit. I don't want to be premature, but I think I've made an important change. I think that this time, something fundamental has shifted.
Now I just have to decide which short, sexy cut I'm going to go get...