Today I'm writing about sex

I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but I don’t write about sex much. Mostly that’s because unless I’m talking ancient history then I’m talking in part about Kristin. And I’m trying hard to respect her notions of privacy. Must be hard for her to be married to such a linguistic exhibitionist. If it were up to me I would be trumpeting all over this blog every single time I got laid. I would have a little ticker somewhere. “[blank] battles won in the war against LBD” [the stereotypical Lesbian Bed Death for those of you who don't know]. I’d put a little bird flying around my blog chirping details. Well, maybe the bird would be going too far. But, believe me -- people would know when I got lucky.

And I still consider it getting lucky. Kristin and I have been together going on 6 years, married for 4 as of two days ago. And still I consider myself blessed every single time we make love. Every. Single. Time.

Before I met Kristin, I had sex maybe once a year. I was shy. I was allergic to meeting new people. I was so tightly wrapped in my defenses that I was impervious to most come ons. Oh, I talk a big game, but I never expect the people talking back to actually mean what they say. Because I never do. I only flirt outrageously when there’s no chance of follow-through. When there’s a chance someone could actually take me up on my words, I freeze. Become otherworldly and untouchable or turn the person into a “good friend”. Those few people who could a) see through the alternating icy-prudish and asexual friend-type emotional wrappings and the body-hiding clothes and b) were bold enough to hit on me in a direct-enough way to get my attention and make me realize they were serious then had to negotiate a slew of other (unconscious) ingenious sexual aversion techniques I had developed over the years. I have a sharp tongue when it comes to deflating sexual expectations. It was frustrating for all parties involved. They would be wondering why I was blowing hot and cold and sometimes just plain weird all the damn time. And I would be silently cheering them on. Wishing I could just say, “Hey. I want you. I do. But I’m terrified. And some of these defenses are so old I don’t know when they were built, let alone how to disarm them. But push through, push through. I’ll meet you here on the other side.” And then, of course, when they would make it through, breach my defenses, after it was over (and I’m talking about the single sexual encounter, not the relationship) I would set about setting up my defenses again – reinforcing the breach so that that particular route could never be used again.

When I met Kristin, I had been working for a couple of years to become a more sexually accessible person. But still, she has had her share of befuddlement and walls thrown up before her. From my shutting off in the middle and crying silently in bed refusing to talk to her, to my saying something guaranteed to turn her off right as we’re getting into the mood. Yes, she has been forced to make a List of Words Trista is Forbidden To Say While In Amour. And yes, sometimes they still pop out from me. It’s almost like I’ve got turrettes. It’s not like I WANT to say those words. It’s not like those words are an inherent part of what turns me on. They’re like stealth missiles that some over-touchy soldier with a trigger finger lobs at a perceived enemy without permission from general.

Over the years Kristin has become amazingly good at letting such things roll off her. I mean, it’s pretty hard to keep a mood going when you whisper enticingly to your lover about how wet she is and she replies that yes, her mucus membranes are quite enflamed and overactive tonight, sorry about that, must be that cold virus going around… And yet somehow, most of the time she manages to do it.

So, yes, I still consider it getting lucky. When Kristin and I have sex, besides the physical pleasure I feel, there’s an overwhelming sense of good fortune and amazement that somehow, despite everything I have thrown at her, we have managed to meet each other in that physical place. That she doesn’t run from me. That I don’t run from her. It is a miracle for me, each and every time. I am so lucky to have such a beautiful, sexy, patient, passionate woman love me. I am so blessed to have such a woman to love.

And that’s what I have to say about sex today.

Posted by Trista @ 10:27 AM

Read or Post a Comment

I just got all verklempt - not only because I can relate to SO much of what you write, but also because you wrote it so beautifully.

Thanks for sharing that.


Posted by Blogger Shelli @ 10:51 AM #

Trista - I'm glad I don't want to get in your pants. And I mean that in nicest of ways. K must be amazing because I would have given up. I like my women how I like my eggs - over easy.

But seriously - thanks for sharing this. Nicely done.

Also, the idea of an anti-LBD ticker is pretty damn amazing. So far this week, we've "battled" against this oppressor like, 3 times. Which is actually pretty amazing itself.

Posted by Blogger J @ 11:13 AM #

Excellent post!

Posted by Blogger Sonya @ 2:01 PM #

Have I told you how much I enjoy reading your blog? Well, I did at least once, in email, but I had messed up the email address somehow & it bounced back & I didn't get around to resending. But...

I really enjoy reading your blog! It's so damn well-written, ever time!

Yes, I've had some similar issues too. I should write my own blog posting about how anonymous cybersex at gay.com in the last '90s helped me get over my sexual hangups. Truly.

But meantime -- great post!

Posted by Blogger Mel @ 3:53 PM #

Oh I can't tell you how relieved I am that someone finally wrote about sex - I was wondering if nobody out there ever had any! And yeah - down with LBD!

Posted by Blogger mermaidgrrrl @ 8:21 PM #

What a beautiful love letter, and happy anniversary, and congratulations on getting lucky.

You are a brave and inspiring person, Trista. Thanks for being out here in teh internets talking about all this good stuff.

Posted by Anonymous Liza @ 9:36 PM #

Awesome, awesome post, Trista. Thanks for sharing.

I'm glad there's not a counter. I find that I'm generally pretty happy with the level of friskiness in my house. It wanes and waxes according to stress levels, and that's okay. Periodically one of us will freak out that it's not happening often enough according to some outside standard. Periodically we'll have a week of J-like proportions.

And periodically we'll wonder about our friends - and then decide we just don't give a damn.

Posted by Blogger art-sweet @ 9:45 PM #

"J-like proportions." that's hysterical. I should stress that this is NOT a normal week, and that lateley, us getting down has totally depended on where I am in a cycle - because no one wants to get busy with an emotional wreck, or a temper tantrum throwing wife. And as I'm not supposed to write about my sex life, I've already said too much. Now if you'll excuse me........perhaps I can etch another notch.....

Posted by Blogger J @ 7:10 AM #

First of all Happy 6th Aniversary!!!

And, what a great post, as usual very brave in everything you write, I'm like you in a way, the flirting thing... I love to flirt but when the other person approaches me after a period of time flirting I just loose all interest hehehehe.

have a great Weekend!

Posted by Blogger Sublime @ 2:31 PM #

Nicely said. I love that you wrote this, especially as it echoes much of my own experience. Happy Anniversary!

Posted by Anonymous Anne of ReflexiveVerb @ 8:19 PM #

I read your entry before I went away for the weekend (away always = better sex), but I was aware of the little things I said that were mood killers (luckily my husband is good at ignoring me!), and I wanted to say thank you for sharing your struggle, because it helped me to manage myself a bit better. Viva la Sex!

Posted by Anonymous Anonymous @ 9:47 AM #
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