At the starting line -- revised a bit

The days are getting longer. Can you feel it yet? I can. It's part of the wonderful thing of working surrounded by windows on the top floor of one of the tallest buildings in Salt Lake. I am flooded with natural light. I watch the sun rise and move across the sky. The extra seconds of sunlight feel like grains of meth absorbed through my eyes and skin into my bloodstream. Well, they feel the way I imagine meth would feel if absorbed through my skin and eyeballs. Which is to say that though I have never taken meth, let alone absorbed it through various coverings and/or membranes, if I did I think it would feel like this. Only with bad skin and rotting teeth. Oh yeah, and I'd be really skinny, but that's not the point. You do get my point, don't you?

I'm a strange witch, much more attuned to the minute meanderings of the sun than the cycles of the moon. I can't even tell you what phase the moon is in right now. But, hopefully soon, my Llewellyn's Witches' Datebook will arrive. Then, and only then, my friends, will I be able to blame various moods and happenings on how far from us the moon is and hence how strong its pull is upon us. Or something like that. I will also be able to start charting* my evanescent moods in order to see which one of us is right: Kristin when she says she thinks I may be bipolar II or cyclothymic or me when I say I'm just a freaky moody bitch, leave me alone, my whole family's this way, how could you say something like that to me? Are you trying to make me crazy? I think you're trying to make me crazy I think you want me to be crazy. God, how could I say something like that to you? You're right there is something wrong with me how can I be such a horrible person I think I'll go cry now but I can't cry, there's no time to cry because the entire basement must be rearranged RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND man I'm hungry, wanna go get some pizza? hmmm. I wonder who's going to be right.

I am also going to start charting my menstrual cycle. Hence the need to know the lunar cycle. Let's all laugh together at the thought of my cycle lining up with the moon's correctly. I'm hoping to/afraid of confirming that I have a 20 day cycle. Afraid of it because I'm afraid of what that means in terms of trying to concieve a child within this year. Hoping to confirm because that would mean I'm getting a little better at math, and I do so love to improve on a skill. See, I took the number of cycles I have had since Julia was born (7) in the number of days that I had them (135) and divided. I (ok, really the calculator) came up with 19.29. I'm choosing to round up. So, once I get my datebook, I'll track more accurately and see if the cycle stays steady at 20 days, or if some cycles are longer or shorter than others. I'll keep you all posted on this fascinating aspect of my life. Or I could just go to the doctor and get birthcontrol and forget about the whole tracking thing. Of course, going to the doctor would involve not only finding one (years without being insured have left me doctor-less but with a nice stash of Mexican prescription drugs) but also calling to make an appointment. Oh the bother of making such a phone call. Really, I have much better things to do. Like tracking the phases of the moon and writing down all my moods and blogging.

As you can see, I am very, very busy. And I haven't even gotten to the part of this post where I talk about my insane spring cleaning jag even though it's not yet spring (I think it has something to do with the returning sun or it could be that it's raining here instead of snowing). Or the fact that although I have been very busy scrubbing shelves and reorganizing the laundry room, our Christmas decorations are strewn across 4 rooms of our main floor. Or how I feel about some friends of ours becoming Jehovah's Witnesses and repeatedly referring to Christmas as being all about the "worship of false idols". They're saying this to me, the friend whom they know is (and was raised) pagan, even while I do my best to accept and, further, honor their religious choices. Yes, Christmas was based and executed around an existing pagan holiday celebrating the birth of the "sun" and I don't have a problem with them pointing that out and trying to separate the celebration of Christ from the pagan roots of this holiday. It's the whole terminology of "false idols" that rakes fingernails against my chalkboard. I, like everyone else on the planet, dislike being told that I'm wrong in what I believe. But I hate being a hypocrite, and since I don't like being told that my religious/spiritual beliefs are wrong, I'm refraining from telling them that theirs are wrong by snapping at them to stop calling my idols false. (Side note: isn't that a redundant term? Aren't all "idols" false by their very nature? Wouldn't an idol that was not false be called something else, like "god" or "goddess" or just plain old "deity"?) I've just been listening to their beliefs and asking questions about how I can best respect their choices as I silently grit my teeth over their language.

Huh. Well, it looks like we have reached the part of the post where I talk about those things. Actually it looks like we've reached the end of that part of the post. So I guess I'm done for today.

*because, of course, I can't start charting these moods and other such things until I get my datebook, because, really, a blank piece of paper is just so inappropriate for such a delicate task, I would need to, you know, write dates and times on the thing and then, the most important part, not lose it. And, of course, when I am looking up what phase the moon is in every couple of hours I might as well write down what mood I'm in at that moment, so it's very obvious that I can't start charting without my datebook. Really.

Posted by Trista @ 10:32 AM

Read or Post a Comment

So tell me, do you talk as fast as it sounds like you must talk judging from the way you write? Does that make any sense at all?

I hate being told that what I believe in is wrong. I don't care who it comes from or how valid/invalid it may be... it still bugs me. Plus it also sets me off on three days worth of questioning MYSELF and I am so fickle that by the end of the three days, I usually decide that whatever I originally believed in was wrong and that I now believe in something else entirely.

Yes, I am that fickle. Scary, isn't it?

Posted by Anonymous Molly @ 12:46 PM #

Are you a pisces? No, wait, I remember you're a gemini. Well, then it's ok that you're fickle. You're just being true to your nature.

And yes, I do talk as fast as it seems. At least sometimes I do. Some people say I talk too fast. The scary thing is that I think much much faster than I talk or type and so a lot of what's whirling around does no good but stir things up and then disappear before anyone knows what hit them or what just caused the problem. Even me, sometimes.

Posted by Blogger Trista @ 12:59 PM #

Hey there, thanks for stopping by my blog. Hmmm...well, as someone who is bipolar (I am bipolar I although I can have some rapid cycling going on), all I can say is - if you are bipolar, meds make a huge difference...or they have for me. My mind is no longer like a TV...a fast TV...with static...and commercial jingles, etc. (Yes, I am mentally ill :)) Anyway, go to the doc, it wont kill ya. You can always stop by & see whats going on in my neck of the woods....lots of bipolar folks visit my blog and share experiences & stuff.
I'll definitely be back here...

Posted by Blogger Jil @ 1:00 PM #

Yeah, you're going to have to issue a warning label on all posts that are going to be in any way menstruation-related. I started out prepping my "tallest building in SLC" joke and the next thing you know I'm knee deep in "charting" and "cycles".

Posted by Blogger Anonymous Assclown @ 1:52 PM #

I heart this post.

It sounded as if you were rattling off all of these things in person (even though I don't know what you sound like in person, or even over the phone for that matter...oh well. you get what I mean)

Yay! Fun post, Trista! :)

Posted by Blogger Kiker @ 1:56 PM #

Oh, for comments on this, see my recent email to you...

Also, the sun SHINES in Utah during the winter? How novel. I haven't seen the sun in a good two weeks. No joke.

I also have a chart I made when I was charting my cycles before the RE decided to control them himself. If you want, I'll email it to you. It's cribbed, but it's complete, even with a section for moon cycles. There's a website where you can get that too. With a little html code to include on your blog, which I might do since I am really attracted to the moon.

Posted by Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) @ 2:41 PM #

If it makes you feel any better....

Christmas is still up all over my house too. However, I went on a nesting spree which involved new pillows and sheets for our bed. $100 later, and I have run out of nesting. So maybe I'll get Christmas down tomorrow. Thankfully, my tree is fake, so there is no fire hazard with leaving the damn thing up.

Posted by Blogger WendyLou @ 3:37 PM #

Christmas is down at our house.

It was very easy to take down this year as all I managed to put up in the first place was one dishtowel. And that was more luck than intention.

Ironically, our "regular" dishtowels are Valentine's Day ones, so I am momentarily seasonally appropriate. Or sort of appropriate. I've never seen MLK or President's Day dishtowels, so I'll call Valentine's the next seasonal holiday, for decorating purposes anyway.

This was a completely hilarious post.

BTW, I charted for 2+ years, but never with the moon. Just with little cryptic marks in my calendar. But I'm with you in feeling the days getting longer and lighter, and I'm SO HAPPY about it.

Posted by Anonymous Liza @ 7:59 PM #

i was laughing while reading when all of the sudden *click* i actually do find maKiNg the call to the doc so out of my way (seeing as it sits next to me eight hours a day) that i haven't been in FAR too long. hair appointments on the other hand? like clockwork.

Posted by Blogger betsy @ 1:20 PM #
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